J Series: Manifesto

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uV2kWGSFYXM
Daley Ft. Marsha Ambrosia- Alone Together

Daley is a new artist that has impressed me. Honestly, I listened to this song 7 times back to back the first time I heard it. Alone together speaks about someone who feels for someone, and doesn't want to not be with them. He rather be with her than have to face they world alone. And the two can be alone together. This is beautifully put. Artistry within lyrics. Not to mention the vocal performance will grab your attention. This is one of my new favorite songs. I recommend after watching this that you youtube his "Pretty wings" cover. The boy got talent.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6LwcARvKdnU
Luke James - I want you (Live)

Another new artist of mine with raw talent. He is committed to his music. A passionate artist goes far with me. In this song, more importantly, in this live performance, he is really singing his heart out. Even if you do not like the song you'll probably continue watching. This song is EXACTLY how I feel. No bull shit. I know who I want to be with and don't even see other women. I'm aware that they are there but my mind is so preoccupied elsewhere that getting a number/ getting to know them is of no interest to me.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TwH7vfgfJTA
Avant- Human

If I get too in-depth with this song it will give away a lot of what I'm going through. Avant always has that perfect hit that speaks to you. Human speaks about forgiveness. Forgiving someone and being forgiven. We all make mistakes in life. Understanding that helps us to forgive others. Personally, I have forgiven many people throughout my life behind this pretense. I hope forgiveness can be applied to me within the same light. After all I'm only human.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yhhDOPPfAyM
Al Green- Simply Beautiful

Love is love. Love is a beautiful thing. This song speaks on the small points of sharing love with someone that are beautiful. I don't believe that there is anything wrong with love or expressing it. Affection is a natural occurrence that should never be suppressed. Don't get me wrong completely slobbering someone down in public is not sexy at all (sorry Penn Station, I was young don't judge me), but you should make the woman that you are with feel like she's yours. Kiss her. Hold her. Smack her ass a little lol. Ok don't let me get you in trouble.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oqqYByfZjGc
Miguel- Adorn Live

I am an enthusiast for live demonstrations of talent. This song by itself is amazing, and actually one of Miguel's more mature songs on the album. Sometimes women can make loving them difficult. Opposed to just allowing something to happen they fight it. I think many people can relate to this.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dLNTLEqwd9Y
Miguel- Pussy is Mine

I love this song because it speaks to the inner taboos of men. It really addresses a deep insecurity that lies in us. No guy wants to be the second best concerning a woman's sex life. Don't get me wrong there are those men that don't really care and are happy to just get some anyway. But when you have feelings for someone, being second is not an option. This song also hints at a deeper taboo within men that isn't commonly spoken about. That taboo is the realization that you don't want another man to be with the woman that you have feelings for. The idea of another man spending time with her is unsettling. The notion of another man being with her intimately can drive a man insane. This song touches on that inversely. Don't fault men too much on this lol. I'm certain that women might feel this way as well. This performance is interesting to say the least.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pn17MYQz9Qg
Al Green - Here I am (Live on Soul Train)

This is one of my favorite all time performances. First off, this is classic non-lip synced Soul Train. This was the equivalent of MTV unplugged for the generation before mine. People sung and celebrated with no restriction. And for that first time that celebration could be shared with someone who was just watching the performance from home. My generation has to wait for an award show to see something this good. Back to the song. This song is an explosion of love. All the man wants is for this woman to be with him. He already loves her. He already wants her. He already wants to be her everything. She just has to take him.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=m61wV3o_sqM
Musiq- Who Knows

You don't know where life or love can take you. You just have to let yourself go and lose yourself in each other. Or maybe even find yourself. I believe that everyone comes into our life for a reason. And we can take so much from everyone. If we can connect to anyone then that in itself is important. In my opinion it should be appreciated. I meet many women that I am only physically attracted to. If my mind can be sparked then I take the person that sparked it serious.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CDBA07qXxbA
Bj  the Chicago Kid - Good Luv'n (I love good remakes)

I'm a sucker for a good remake and a new artist. Making love is another expression of love. "Giving yourself to me, can never be wrong if the love is true". This lyric falls into my belief of not having casual sex. Most people disagree with me. I am well aware of that. But I just rather be involved with someone that I feel something with. I have done the whole casual thing and it just wasn't for me. After giving this song a listen comment with the original artist name. I can't remember it off the top of my head.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AKXEbSpmpDw
Justin Timberlake- End of Time

This is definitely a classic. The HBO live concert Performance is better. Unfortunately, it was taken down from youtube. What more can I say this is my favorite Justin Timberlake song to date. Its self explanatory and is probably thee most soothing out of all the songs. This is one of those songs that you put on repeat for like four or five plays.   Love is all you need in this life.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Rh_tAMeDhdY
Teddy Pendergrass- Lady (He kills this. You have to love live performances)

In my opinion this is the ultimate declaration of what a woman means to a man. Women complete us. And to an extent we naturally serve them and they serve us. I don't care what anyone says, the feeling that you get as a man from providing for or protecting a woman that you love is fulfilling. It makes it all worth it. A woman appreciating that action drives us to do it again, except better. A man could have everything in the world but he would still crave a woman.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Gu2JBMNBbKo
Luther Vandross - A House is Not a Home (Live)

Honestly, this is one of the best Vocal performances anyone could ever see. There is no way you won't have goosebumps while watching this. When you feel strongly for someone, you naturally want those feelings to be mutual. The sheer thought of those feelings not being mutual is surreal. It's too damaging to even comprehend at the moment. In relationships, or whatever, there are fights and disagreements. Will you still love me after all of it? That's a fair question.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nzTPlrbi5f0
Teddy Pendergras- When Somebody Loves You Back

There is no way you can't feel some kind of happiness hearing this song. I respect when a song has simple yet affective lyrics. "It feels so good, loving somebody. And somebody loves you back". That's true lol. It's an incredible feeling. This performance is a perfect testament to that. He sells that emotion. And please don't make any molly jokes in reference to how sweaty he is. Be considerate. He's a tall guy on a stage with a billion lights beaming on him. Anyone would sweat in those conditions.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gKT1B1EfSrA
Luke James- Hurt Me

I put this up here because we have all been there. When I heard this song, I was reminded of a place that I never want to be again. I thank God for the refresh. Sometimes the pain can be so intense for so long that we grow used to it. It becomes a destructive cycle that some of us never leave. If you find yourself in a situation where the person that you are with brings out the worst in you, then you're probably there.  Love can entangle us so deep into someone that sometimes when we unravel we don't even know who we are anymore. We don't even know what we like to do. It's insane. Personally, I was in a relationship like this for three years, but that's a different story.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CslaDEc2PS8
Al Green - Jesus Is Waiting (Live on Soul Train)

This song truly shows a different era of R&B music. This is actually a gospel song, but back in that era Gospel and R&B were still blended more so in music. How many artists in today's day and age can have a gospel song on their album and be able to perform on it this plateau. It wouldn't happen. A televised gospel song by a hit R&B artist? NNNNAAAAHHH (in my chief keef voice). In all seriousness this performance moved me when I first heard it. No tears or nothing but it described exactly how I felt. At the core of us is our strength. When we are weak we need something to restore us. Personally, God restores me.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=x3RlkpI-2nk
BJ the Chicago Kid Ft. Kendrick Lamar - His Pain

This post ends foremost with God and the appreciation of what we have everyday. We are blessed far beyond what we deserve. This song is perfect for that. There were points in my life where I had wondered why certain friends of mind were dead and men like my oldest brother were alive. Then at 25 I realized that my brother was still here and I needed to be grateful for that. I forgave him for all that he did. I walked into the rehab clinic that he was staying in at the time to see him. And my brother broke down into tears. I might have been his blessing that day. From that point he slowly started to improve. He had stopped drinking for a while. He genuinely tried harder at succeeding in life. His biggest improvement of all was with his kids. He actually tried to be more a father towards them. This may sound like nothing to you but this is a HUGE step for him. In a way, I got my brother back. I got the relationship that I always wanted with him.

They say that God works in mysterious ways but to those who know him, its really not so mysterious. It's through love. He'll make a way for you when there is no way. I am a testament to that. In this song Kendrick Lamar repeats "I don't know why he keeps blessing me". It's because he loves us enough to never stop. And in turn we should love each other. I don't know about you but I've been through enough pain. I'd rather move forward in a more positive direction.

This letter J is provided by: roz-indelebile

J Series: Him Understanding Her

A Man's Friends:

She doesn't mind me hanging out with my friends but she wants to know that I 'm thinking about her. She'll look forward to a text from me because she's thinking about me. It's not like she wants me to obsess over her but she just needs to know that she's loved. She needs to be comfortable. Her ex's may have placed her in many situations where she was uncomfortable. Thus lowering her tolerance. Her defenses may no longer allow her to be so unsure/insecure for that same duration of time. Because too long means I'm probably/possibly doing something wrong. Regardless of weather I am or not. In her mind it's not what I'm doing it's what I'm not doing. I'm not telling her that she's on my mind. It may not be my fault that she is like this, but If I love her, than it is my responsibility to help correct this. I'm not saying that as  man you should tolerate any ones bull shit, but in order to fix a problem, you must understand it.

She says that she doesn't mind me having female friends but she secretly does because she knows that too many women secretly make plans to take other women's men. For whatever reason unavailable men become far too appealing to available women. Or even if they don't aim to "have me" so to say, the topic of discussion in my woman's mind is still "what is so special about my man, that she NEEDS to talk to him? Or WANTS to hang out with him"? To a woman's emotions that can be perceived as a threat or inappropriate. And since it's inappropriate, she then leaves it up to me to check the situation because I am the man. If I do not check it then I am disregarding her feelings or emotions, thus not making her feel like she is the head female in my life. You have to analyze a woman's emotions to really understand how and why she feels negatively towards certain events.

A Man's Initiative:

She hints to ideas because she wants me to want to do these things with her on my own. If she tells me what to do, then in her mind I wasn't interested in doing them with her. Even if I actually am. My initiative shows her exactly how invested in her I am. My advice to men is too pay attention to a woman's details so you can be more spontaneous/creative with what you initiate. Do you want to take your girl to the movies? Or to the spa because you notice she's been stressed lately? Just read her. My advice to women is to assert yourselves a bit more. You will get exactly what you want or exactly what you need. Or listen to a man's words and read him as you expect him to read you. I believe that everyone's actions translates the truth. More importantly, "why" they perform the action. My ex used to think that because I didn't propose to her that I didn't want to make the long term commitment. Yet she wasn't there with me as I stole sales or outsmarted people at a commissions paying job to help save up for a ring. I would come home to complaints of why I was so tired. She never truly asked "why" I was so tired.

In Her Head vs Your Head:

Women have a way of wanting a certain thing a certain way. Think about it. Propose to a woman standing up. Don't kneel. I repeat do not kneel. It would displease her. Because the key act in proposing is the submission of your pride to her. It would ruin the image in her mind of a proposal. There are so many women who have mothers that are unmarried. In essence a man's proposal to her has to be sufficient enough to fulfill two dreams. Her's and her mothers. It's important to analyze your actions in their entirety. I also, know a lot of couples in another scenario so let me briefly touch on this before the transition. A man can tell a woman until she's blue in the face "you are the only one", but until the two have the official discussion about exclusivity (which he has to initiate), then what he said is flattering but not official. Official gives her comfort. Flattery gets her mind off the issue for a moment. My advice to men is to understand how SHE views something. If a romantic evening involves rose petals on a bed, then carnations won't do. Detail with a woman is important.

Us Against the World:

She wants us to be private. This too comes with a catch. She wants everyone to know that I am her's and she's mine. She just doesn't want them to know exactly what is happening between us. To an extent we both want that. We only need everyone else for a few key things. Men want bragging rights to their friends and all men. And in a sense women want the jealousy of other women. Well lets not say that they "want" the jealousy. Maybe that is too strong a word. Lets say that they enjoy it. It is close but not the same. Trust and believe though, that if an issue arises all of the woman's friends will know the business and what happened lol. More importantly, they will all have input on the situation.

The enjoyment of our privacy plays on society to an extent. It plays on the friendship that we have and how tight we are. It makes the inside jokes that much more enjoyable, because in a world full of billions of people we have each other.

Challenge for a Reason:

She wants to challenge me. It's a test. She doesn't want me to let her walk all over me because if she can then so can another man/person that threatens her. She needs to feel protected. And if she's unsure of my capabilities then I am certain to be tested.

Friend:

She needs to know that she can be herself with me so she'll open up. She'll talk to me about nothing like I'm one of her friends, because to her once I become her man I become her friend, her protector, and in a sense her lead on things. Someone that she can be comfortable with in all elements of who she is. It's a roll with many rolls in it, that sometimes we as men aren't ready to fulfill. She needs to be able to cry on my shoulder, yet she sometimes needs me to help her come to her senses.

ADT:

Security is a large sense of comfort for anyone. Think about how people have made a business out of this. We hire security, install security systems, encrypt websites, create passwords. Security gives us our privacy while protecting us. To a woman her man is this security to an extent. She needs to feel like he can protect and defend her. It's not like we need to win every fight, but we do need to check anyone that disrespects her emotions or stance on things. Sometimes a man may even need to protect a woman from doubt. As long as she knows that she has you by her side to protect her then you're role in her life is sacred. This is a deeper sense of trust that works both ways. There's nothing like having your woman defend you at your weakest. Ladies it's not like your man expects you to fight his battles, but the idea of you wanting us to be safe is refreshing. Where else do men get that in life? What other element of life says to a man, "I want you to be ok"? It never happens. I'll conclude this segment by saying this, the world we live in can be cruel. It can be frequently overwhelming. When it comes to other people, what matters largely is who is there. Who cared enough to help you. Who cared enough to defend you. And who was there when you were at your weakest. We all need that person and should cherish them. My advice to women, don't put your man in a situation that he will lose. And if for whatever reason he does lose, repair his ego. Attacking it, only makes him distant with you. My advice to my fellow man, is to be the man that she needs. If you are already that man, than be better.

The Man She Needs:

Women need to feel like they have a responsible man because they entrust them. A woman gives you her body thus you are responsible for what goes in it and what comes out of it. LIKE A BABY. Have her child, then she's going to immediately look at you like....."well what are you going to do", because in her mind you are the one responsible. Think about it, the father could be a young father, essentially not a man yet, and he could be doing things with his friends that the mother calls into question. I guarantee you, one thing that will come out of her mouth is..."Oh you can do (whatever) but you can't do (whatever) for your child". It's an attack towards a man and his responsibility that she entrusts him with.

Her Indirect Directness

And since women communicate indirectly with many things including her emotions, sometimes she just wants sex. She says it in her own way. So she might rub her butt on you in the middle of the night. She might argue with you when she see's you. It's a challenge. Women love a man who can be a man. In that particular instance she wants a man to please her. So instead of allowing us as men to be all calm, she'll excite us a bit. It's cute when you think about it objectively. Women communicate indirectly. Thus there is an emotion underlying within the context of what she is saying/doing. She may pull away because she wants me to come close. She may attempt to make me jealous because she wants to feel wanted. Or she may assert her accomplishments, because she needs to feel respected. What I understand about women is that they need comfort. And, yet if you ever encounter a woman whose still on edge from whatever (bad dates, frustration with men etc...), even too much comfort is uncomfortable. Men typically become the targets of these emotions. Just think about all the single women out there, that bash men, yet are waiting for the right one. That's like me saying all women are bitches and then wondering why, I can't find a woman. Women are the up and down. The I love you and I hate you. Men avoid love in today's day and age. But women don't necessarily avoid it, they resist it. Yet too often throw their bodies out to get it. Women who are more mature either know better or grow intolerant of the cycle. The cycle only stops though when they learn to stop it. Keep in mind though, some women are just scorned. These women usually need the most love, yet resist it more than ever. (Sorry for jumping topics)

When She's Hurt:

Women express their hurt in many ways that are unclear to men. The most obvious indicator is silence or distance. A woman's silence is like a waiting symbol. She's waiting for you to bring up a conversation. Waiting for you to apologize. Waiting for you to address the issue. Or she's flat out making you suffer a little. I don't exactly agree with it. But I understand it. Or a woman could be hurt about something but not want create tension so she won't speak about it. Actually lets not say hurt. Lets say that something will cause suspicion within her. And it can be/probably will be the smallest thing, that we men, don't even notice. Like coming in the house, smelling like another woman's perfume. Or having a strand of hair on you that isn't the same color as your girls. These all raise up questions of, "what is that" and "why is it there". From there a woman will question it and give you something I like to call the bull shit test lol. She will wait for whatever answer you have to give. It can be the truth, but if she thinks it's bull shit, then it's bull shit. Whether you like it or not, you should be ready for this issue to come back up in an argument. For instance, the argument can be about you not calling her two nights in a row. Somewhere within that argument you will hear, "and why did you come in the house smelling like that perfume a few days ago"!

My advice to men: We all can get a little lost in our emotions. Don't tolerate disrespect, but allow a woman to have her moment.

A woman that you have hurt or a woman that feels like you hurt her will do things to hurt you back. It's petty and childish in a sense but it's a reaction lol. She'll do little things. She'll attack your ego. Or if you think about it on a larger scale some women will use your children against you. What can I say? Hurt people hurt people.

Deeper Appreciation:

Pay attention to a woman's details. The closer you pay attention to her the more you can see all of the little things that she'll do to please you. We men have a way of only noticing a sexual alteration. This may be one of many changes that a woman has made to please you. You may not like the color green and a woman might remove the green outfits from her wardrobe. You could not like the way a woman says something and she'll change up her tone/accent a little bit to accommodate you. She'll get her hair done and look forward to you noticing. Everyone needs to feel appreciated. With women a man just needs to take notice and appreciate her effort. I went to visit a woman late in the day, a few months ago, and I noticed how she did her hair and cleaned up her apartment. She even went as far as putting my favorite scented candle in the room. I didn't even know she knew that. In all reality it probably took her hours to do all that she did. And I appreciated that. Hours of preparation just for me..... I'm not some celebrity or the POTUS. I'm just me.

Conclusion:

What I understand about women is that many elements of them are based out of comfort and love. All relationships need trust in order to function but comfort is needed for the maintenance of that trust. Consistency maintains comfort. It's not rocket science it's love. It's appreciation. I don't believe it takes much to please a woman (the correct woman), but it does take effort. Side bar: What I also understand is that too many women do not understand men. Ladies I'll help you out.....it all starts and ends with respect.

*There is a deeper point to this post. I'm actually writing this to reflect that when it comes to the woman that I want, none of this truly matters to me. I'm eager to learn her. I have an understanding of how women act, but I want to know her specifics. I'd rather know what makes her feel appreciated or what makes her feel happy than have a general overview of women. Hopefully, I'll be able to write this later on, in the specified manner that I desire.

*This work was also not written to claim that women need men for anything. This is merely something written to expose expectations and comforts that we expect from one another.

*Also, I purposely did not go too in depth on a few topics, like sex, or physical elements. Sex is everywhere to me. It's on overkill at the moment. Maybe one day it will continue this post and bring it up, but not now.

This letter J provided by: waven15

J Series: Strength

Rules of my Strength:

1. If you are strong enough to help than you should
2. Don't just pray for me. Do something to help me
3. Who I am is manifested in what I believe. I believe in myself and something far greater.
4. Strength is the award of pain.
5. You are strong for yourself and your preservation, but mostly you are strong for those that are weaker.
6. As men we are taught to reject our feelings. I feel stronger the more I embrace them.
7. Passion and strength go hand in hand. It is almost the make up of integrity
8. You will never know true strength until you have forgiven someone that had wronged you.
9. Your body is your temple. Work on it. Shape it. Be proud of it.
10. The more effort you put into you, the more confidence you will build
11. Never place your confidence within the hands of someone else. That is too much responsibility.
12. In my opinion, he greatest person you can become is your closest reflection of God.
13. You see yourself in your head everyday. Become that person
14. To find your strength never compromise on who you are and what you believe.
15. The person you choose to be with, or the people you choose to be around, should make you stronger. Never weaker.
16. Be strong enough to know when you need to submit. Arrogance or over assertiveness will make you more enemies than friends.
17. People should respect your power, not fear your power.
18. Every emotion can tie back to strength. It all depends on how you use it.
19. If you ever lose your strength you can find it at the root of who you are. Your purpose. And your love. Never your hate. Hate is merely aggressive energy. Not necessarily strength. Hatred is more like possession.
20. Last for now: This is based on a belief in God. It is told that God is in each and every one of us. With that being said, that means that some part of you, no matter how small, is all powerful and invincible. Find that part.

This letter J is provide by: pixel-terrorist

J Series: April Hughes

I was eleven. She was twenty-eight. These were one of the few times that I had been in a moving vehicle with my brother driving. This was yet another one of the many times that I felt uneasy about him. The household I was raised in had made me this way. We were pseudo urban black Americana family that was thrown a slight twist with my brother's involvement. But I'll touch more on that later. I remember being feeling old enough to not wear my seat belt in the back seat, which felt like more of an accomplishment than anything. My brother didn't have a license. April let him drive the car anyway. I couldn't remember whether it was her father's or her uncle's vehicle. We were on our way to someplace close. My brother's warrants and criminal record didn't allow him the leisure of peaceful living without interactions from police. Sometimes detectives. Some of them had even come to know me by face and name. I guess for once we had some resemblance. The speed he drove at was that of a reckless adult. Maybe he was showing off to himself. Maybe somewhere in his mind he was showing off to me. Who knows? To be honest much of my child hood is a blur so I apologize for not being able to describe more elements of the scenery. But from what I remember in clear vision is unquestionable.

As we hit sixty down a back street, April asked him to slow down. She was braver than I was. I had been hit by the man too often to care for another bout. The fourteen-year age gap between us had really taken a shot at my confidence level in fights. It amazes me now how I was less afraid of us crashing in the car and more afraid of his temper. I had seen car crashes; even been in a few. But I had never seen a car destroy as many lives as he did. At the age of eleven I still had hope for him. He could change I told myself. "He is trying", my mother told herself. There were certain things in my mind that I didn't want to accept him as, because of this hope, this love for him. A similar love for him was in April. Her love was from that of his lover and oldest friend. She begged him to slow down. I remember her screaming at him. What followed was the reality of who my brother was. Seeing is believing, I guess. I had seen my brother raise his hand in attempts to strike my mother. Perhaps my youth didn't allow me to channel that resolve into scenarios of lesser respect. He took his right hand off the wheel and struck April with the back of his fist.

I had seen men fight. I had seen the violence shared through that brotherhood. In that moment it was violated. Her neck snapped in such a manner that I thought she was dead. Necks aren't supposed to move like that. Women aren't supposed to raise their arms up in defense like that. Not against a grown man. Or any man. Shit, he had never even hit me that hard. At least, I don't think so. The incident resembled an animal cruelty commercial. April wasn't defenseless, nor was she less than human, but what happened was disturbing. Fortunately, my father, not our father, had always raised me to be my brother's opposite. I didn't want to do what he did. I didn't think that was acceptable. And from that moment on I had lost hope. April cried a little. But her response of merely shutting up had told me that this had happened before. How many times had he hit her?

We got back to the house a short while later. I went to go play video games. April went with him to go someplace else. I remember hearing the car streak off as I made my way up the stairs. The studio apartment was empty. I think both of my parents were either at work or doing whatever two people that hated each other did. After an exhausting day of going to school and watching a man vs. woman battle arena in a moving vehicle, I just wanted to do normal kid stuff. During that time, videos games were my get away from everything. I was eager to practice in fighting games so I could win against my friends. For an eleven year old, this was a point of pride. But as I picked up the controller I could not get my mind off April. In between my combinations of up, down, back, forward, Kick, I couldn't help but wonder why did she stay? Did she like getting hit? I hated my brother. Did she actually like him? A few nights later she was outside of our house crying and I finally got the chance to ask her.

I don't remember the night, or the weather, but I do remember that she didn't have a jacket on. Before I could expose the pink elephant in the room, I first asked her if she was Ok and offered to get her a napkin. Though, she wasn't my parent, she was still an adult. I understood that children shouldn't ask adults these questions. My prior attempt at trying to be an adult in front of an adult, lead to me getting slapped in the mouth. Don't ask me why I thought I could say the word "bitch" in front of my mother. April said "thank you" for the napkin and began wiping her face off. Now that she was cleaned I could finally ask her the question. "April why do you let him hit you"? I tried to add as much base into my voice as an eleven year old could. I could have hit a better falsetto note than a tenor. To my surprise, April answered in my brother's defense. "I love your bother, Theo. And he's not all bad". I had never heard anyone say that before. "He isn't? When"? I asked. I had tried my hardest to find things to like about my brother for years. How could I have missed something? I waited for her to tell me some new fact that I hadn't yet discovered but I shot down her attempts with faster quips then she could.

April: "He takes me out sometimes".

Me: "Well, he steals from us".

April: "He punched this guy once for talking rudely towards me".

Me: "He tried to punch my mom".

Her: "He.....", In her pause to find an answer, I cut her off before she could get a word in.

Me: "He also tried to fight my dad. He's always drunk. I hate him".

Her eyes had widened enough in her face to shrink the tears forming at the bottom. I wasn't too sure weather she was more surprised that I understood all of these things, or that he really was the man that I knew him as. "Jesus Theo, he tried to fight your dad"? She questioned. "Yup, just the other night", I replied. "Well Theo not all of those things are bad. I smoked with your brother a few times. But I didn't smoke anything laced. He tried to get me to do that shit with him but I wouldn't". At the time I didn't know what she was talking about. It made more sense later when I would catch him in rooms arguing with himself. "I don't like when he hits you. You’re nice. When I get bigger than him I'll hit him back for you and everyone else. Ok"? April smiled at me. My eleven year old ass had treated her better than any man ever had. "You might be able to take him now" She said. "Maybe not upfront. I did pee in his apple juice once" I replied. April laughed hysterically. "Are you serious"? She said. "Hell no, but when I handed him his apple juice I told him that I might've pee'd in it. He laughed but I didn't. The cup was still full by the time he was done eating". April laughed even harder. "You and your brother are nothing alike" she said. "I know. I'm actually smart" I replied. From that point forward we formed a tight friendship out of our mutual distaste for my brother. She would call up and speak on the phone with me for 10 minutes before even speaking with him. Or opposed to crying over him after an argument, her and I would go outside and just laugh at everything. One time we had even placed a bet on what age he would die. Her guess was 40, mine was thirty-two. I lost by the way. Eventually my brother started to get jealous of our friendship. Several times he confronted me on it. All of the confrontations ended with some sort of threat. Then again my brother threatened me for everything. Naturally, the threats only added to our hatred of each other and the closeness between April and I. April finally had someone she could talk to and I was finally able to speak as an adult to an adult. Unlike any of my brother's previous girl friends she would ask about me. She even bought me gifts on Christmas.

As time passed on my brother got worse. The beatings and cheatings had taken their toll on her. Then like all twisted love stories of modern day, April became pregnant. This was her first child and his fourth. I loved April, so I loved the child. April smiled differently after becoming a mother but she also cried differently. Brad was her new everything. Unfortunately, his father wasn't ready to be his father. Nor was he ready to stop putting his hands on April. I grew older to resent him for not only hitting a woman but for now hitting my friend. April made an attempt at living with him. In my youth I had no idea why she would do something so stupid, but after becoming a parent myself I understood that she did it for the sake of her family. The attempt only lasted for a couple months. I didn't know what exactly happened. But I do know that it resulted in April's family turning against her. She eventually lost the apartment. From that point forward her and my nephew slept from place to place. Some of those places being shelters. My brother slept comfortably back at our place. I knew the monster he was. I didn't know the monster he was becoming. Phone arguments between the two turned into threats. Fuck you's turned into "Fuck you and that kid". I didn't know how April was doing. We couldn't speak as much obviously. I was growing up and going through my own issues. And she was dealing with obstacles that I couldn't even fathom. I went through the teenage male rebellions. I'm sure most teenagers rebelled against their families or parents, but instead I was standing up for mine. The continued cycle of my hatred, my brother's violence, my parents fighting, and my mother's continuous forgiveness of my brother, pushed me into going away for college. So I left. Something in me felt a sense of guilt for leaving behind April and Brad.

From there I was given bits and pieces of April's life from my mother. One week April was still in a shelter. The next month April met a guy. Another year April had cancer. A few months later she had beat cancer. We had grown so far apart. The eleven year old and twenty-eight year old were not eleven and twenty-eight anymore. I became an adult. And she didn't need to relate to anyone about my brother. Now April is happily married. My nephew Brad is fifteen or so. He may not have his actual father as a dominant role in his life but he has a great man as a father figure and a pretty cool uncle that still thinks about him.  At a young age April taught me many things about women and life. Our conversations developed my abilities to not only empathized with people but to find commonalities at any angle. She slightly messed up my normal interactions with girls my age though. Regardless, I learned a lot from April. I learned a lot from false love. I learned a lot from the abuse. Many people hear of the horror stories of domestic violence. Unfortunately, other people see it. More importantly children see it. I was lucky enough to have a father that was around to steer me away from becoming like my brother. And I'm sure had my father had better health during my youth, he would have done more to stop my brother. But he wasn't. An untamed son found substance in the abuse of his strength. Then an untamed man found his hands frequently misplaced on women. April if you're reading this, tell Brad his uncle says hi. And just know that I'm bigger than my brother now.

*I know while reading this you might've had the idea that at some point in time April and I slept together. It never happened. Also, as a hidden bonus I'll reveal more information to you about April. I used a picture of K.Michelle to give this post a popular modern face, but April was a white woman. Having a celebrity's face as the cover of something may give the post more appeal. You have no idea how April looks or who she is, so making her picture the cover might have not attracted you into this reading this post. At least not as fast as a picture of K.Michelle would have.