J Series: King Series Prelude - Invincible

If I put myself in her shoes; I am scared of what I'll see. A little girl will observe a man holding and loving his two children. She'll see him pick them up and play with them. She'll see him tuck them in at night. Within minutes she'll be able to tell the difference between the love he gives them and the love he gives her. In that moment she'll wonder where her version of him is. Her dad. And then I'll call; eager to hear her voice. And she'll say to me "Daddy are you coming over my house"? And I'll say, "Soon princess I promise". Though soon to her isn't soon enough. Soon can't pick her up and love her like this other man is loving her brother and sister. Soon can't play Mr. Monster with her as her mother is too busy caring for twins. Soon isn't her father. So she'll keep me on the phone to get a fraction of the attention that she deserves. She'll play a game, gossip about her cousins and ask me a million questions to relate who I am to who she is becoming. In the time spent apart, she can feel an new unfamiliarities entering our relationship. All the while, she'll ask me several times If i'm coming over and when. She'll tell me how she has some candy for me and how when I come over we'll eat "panny" cakes. She'll say "daddy you can sleep in my room". A smart little girl. She'll work every angle like a salesman, to help me get closer to her. She's such a magnificent little girl. And at the opposite end of the phone I'll struggle to keep it together. I'll struggle to not be close enough to her to hold her hand. And whether it shows on my face or not I'll be crying. Sometimes the feeling is so intense that I won't even know that I am crying. All I'll know is that my Princess means the world to me and I have to get near her. From the moment she was born that little girl had my heart. And she's too young to know it. She doesn't know how her feeding me and her mother Doritos in the middle of night still stays in my mind. She doesn't know how I revisit the moment of her screaming from the sound of a motorcycle pulling off outside of my window. That terrifying cry sending me into an blind panic. I can't explain how picking her up in that instant made me never want to put her down. My daughter is the physical embodiment of everything that I cherish in this world. And if I look at life through her eyes...If I face the full extent of moving away from her...I see a little girl wondering where her daddy is. In her mind she can't fully understand why her dad isn't around as much. I'd be lying to you If I told you that, the realization of that didn't weigh heavy on my heart. Id' be lying to you If I told you that at my lowest, I didn't reach out for her. Sometimes I reach out to my right hand hoping to feel her little fingertips hit mine. There have been a million nights where I fell to my knees with my arms open, hoping that she'd run into them. Could you imagine what it feels like to hear her cry over the phone. To still feel that same sense of panic and not be able to pick her up is often unbearable. To not be there in these moments is torture. When those kids were murdered at Sandy Hook elementary my heart skipped like every other parents. The need to hold them close to me immediately took over. And yet I could not. I would be lying to you if I told you that it was easy for me to write this.
My Princess....

I never knew how much I meant to him until one day I got upset at him and he cried. But he didn't cry more so because I was upset, he cried because he wasn't reaching the level that I was pushing him too. In that moment I learned that maybe I can be a bit too hard on him. I wasn't just some guy that he saw, I was a man that he idolized. Life was just so hard on me and I'm terrified to think of the ordeals that he might go through. I'm terrified of life hurting him too deeply. And perhaps that paranoia is foolish of me. I should have more faith in him than that. He's my little man. He has my blood in him and will make him strong enough. It's just so hard to think of this world and a little boy in it. It's hard to think that someday my little man will be a gentleman and will get his heart broken because of it. I wasn't always the greatest father towards him. I can admit that. I can admit that there was a time when I let my anger towards his mother get the best of me. I can admit that I was afraid of the of being a young parent. In time all that went away. The fact that he didn't look much like me became irrelevant. He was me. He reminded me so much of how goofy/serious I was when I was a child. He reminded me of how even in a world of such insanity, there can still be something innocent. I found simplicity and joy in his laughter. In the times that we played I remembered innocent joys of my youth. We play fought like my oldest brother and I, when I was a child (before the drugs). He didn't like reading, yet he loved it when I read with him. He didn't like vegetables but he ate them whenever I did. As he spent more and more time with me, I noticed how he would mimic me. My little man...my son...wanted...to be like me. That was amazing to me. It was amazing to us. I wasn't a horrible guy but I wanted to be better for him. I wanted him to aspire to be better than me. As I did my father. We became inseparable. He'd cry when I would bring him back to his mother. I would remind him to stop crying and then I'd go off to work or class. I went from being an afraid young man to an eager father. And then one day everything changed. I called to see when I could pick him up for the week but his mother wasn't as flexible as usual. I suggested different times but those weren't good either. Unbeknownst to me, his mother decided to not let me see him. With a month left to go before my move back to NY, I had to deal with the idea that I would not be able to tell my son good bye. I couldn't focus. I couldn't function. The anger that I had finally put to rest toward her came back stronger than ever. I moved back with the deepest feeling of betrayal that I had ever felt. I channeled that anger into finding a better job and losing weight. I couldn't afford child support + a lawyer, on my salary. I couldn't fight to get him back the way I wanted to and as a father, as a man that hurt. An entire year went by until I heard his voice again. An entire year went by until I saw his face. An entire year went by until I got too hold him. Everyday I wondered how he was doing. It hurt to think of him wondering where I was during his birthday and christmas. It hurt to think of him waiting for us to read books or play with blocks and I never showed up. It hurt even more when I discovered that she had moved with him and I didn't know where he was. Several times, upon leaving a visit with my daughter, I would drive around the city that they were last in. For hours upon hours I would turn down block after block hoping to see her walking with him. I never did though. I never got that relief. She was no longer in contact with any of our old friends. And to my terror I did not know where my little boy actually was. I found myself blocking out thoughts of him in harms way and me not being there to help him. On the days that I couldn't block them out, I would find myself bowing my head and praying in tears at my home or desk. I didn't get my relief until I heard his in a long overdue phone call. The first thing my son said to me was "Daddy can you read me some books"...after a year of not seeing me, my son, who didn't like reading, wanted me to read him some books. In, that moment, those few words broke me. I can't even lie.
Superman...

A little girl is waiting for her father to come and pick her up. A little boy is waiting for the man that he looks up to, to read him books. My daughter says "Daddy when are you coming to my house"? My son says "Come to my house and Don't leave me". In these moments I find a reason to keep going. My heart breaks with every request, and reassembles with every ended call. In these moments I think of the man I want to be and I strive to become him. Moving away from my children was the greatest pain I have ever faced. And regardless of the reasoning, I will not throw blame towards their mothers and out of respect for them I ask that you do the same. Sorry, but I needed to say said that. I remember the feeling that I felt as I hoped in that Uhaul and drove away. I felt torn in that moment. To be honest I haven't been the same since. I keep going because I will get the life that we need to function. I keep going because they need me and I need them. There is a life destined for us and I am and will be there dad. They will not look to another man as their father. Being far from them has hurt me more than any man or woman is capable of hurting me. In my mind I can picture driving down to a house that I own near them. In it their would be two rooms. One for a boy and one for a girl. A race car bed would be in his room and pretty princess decorations would bring life to hers. And instead of talking to them over the phone or skype, I'll be tucking them into bed, kissing them good night. This dream drives my forward motion. This dream is my unstoppable force. The pain of leaving them is my unmovable object. This is part of the secret to my invincibility.

True Stories

-In the 7th Month of Not Seeing My Son-

There are those moments where I go out to enjoy the simplicities of life. Or try to at least. I'll go out somewhere or write in someplace I haven't written before. The main goal is to take in the new atmosphere and just get away from the pressures that I experience. And while getting away i'll see something that will bring me right back to what plays on my emotions the most. I'll give you an example. Once I was out at the museum of natural history and while in line I saw a father picking up his son. The boy was about the same height as my son. Maybe even the same weight. They were smiling  and laughing at each other. They had looked more like best friends. I just stood there in a crowded line, watching them. I didn't pay attention to the noise surrounding me or even the woman that I was with. I only thought about my son. I thought about how much he'd enjoying being at this museum with me. I thought about the last time I picked him up or saw his smile. A smirk came to my face as I imagined his goofy, high pitched 3 year old laugh. And then I heard it! Or at least I thought I did. I looked to the left and saw a little kid walking by a stroller. He wasn't my son either. None of the children in the museum were my son. And all I could think about was WHERE IS MY SON! Anger and panic started searching through me as I scanned every light skinned, high pitched 3 year old thinking, WHERE IS MY SON! My date couldn't understand it. No one else could because know one close to me was going through it. I wanted to stop what I was doing and drive down to where he was last to comb the city again, though I knew that wouldn't get me anywhere. I started breathing slowly to calm myself down. I started thinking of the dinosaur exhibit to distract my tears. I closed my eyes and remembered to hold my composure. Things weren't were I needed or wanted them to be but they were getting there. Things were falling into place and I needed to not do anything impulsive to disrupt that. If I really wanted to see my son, then I would need to calm down. Rushing in head first in situations like these, almost always demonizes the father in the eyes of the courts. I wasn't going to allow that to happen to me. The line moved forward and I continued on with my date.

-Panera-

Many of my writing sessions occurred in Panera. That's actually where I met J. I would have an hour lunch break like many working individuals. In that hour I'd escape from whatever was bothering me or, quite the opposite, I'd connect with what actually was bothering me. I only had an hour though. In that small time frame I was locked into my writing. It was rare for me to ever see of feel any type of distraction that would alter my objective. J was one of those distractions of course. Yet another distraction were many of the children and families at play that came into Panera. At first, when I saw the families I became nostalgic of the family that I once had, between my daughter, her mother and myself. I would remember our outings. I'd recall the laughs that we shared or the innocent moments that only a child can provide. It did hurt. And for the record losing a family is a horrible pain that I wish on no man. The urge that I felt to write in Panera made the pain worth endearing. In time, my reoccurring woes with my personal issues died down. I was happy to see these families and was encouraged to someday have one of my own again. I never wanted to believe that just because I went through one bad experience that all of my future experiences would end in heartache. These families were living proof that some stories have good endings or, promising beginnings. Even with my built up admiration for these families, I should have known that I was flirting on a fine line with my own sensitivities. On one particular day I was writing as usual. I had shut out the noise of the Panera, filled with a subway like rush hour. It was just me and the iPad. As usual, the words flowed from my fingertips as if someone, greater than me, were telling them to me. A child accidentally, bumped my table and shook the empty salad bowl. I smirked at the boy and gave his mother my "it's no big deal" wave. His interruption reminded me to look at my watch. Ten minutes were left in my break. It was time to get back. I had a habit of losing track of time when I wrote. The nice, yet awkward looking girl that works there, took my tray before I exited. A man wearing a tan coat exited in front of me. In the sway of the glass doors I heard a cry. A familiar cry. A cry that sent a chill down my spine almost like my daughters. I instantly thought, "Niyah"? A midst all the noise of the crowded restaurant I heard the cry again. And it sounded exactly like my daughter's. I stormed through the glass door like a lineman going through sled tackles. I'm sure that people were staring at me, but I had to see who was generating that cry. My heart started pounding. All I could think of was, "Is she here? Why is my daughter in NY?". The sound then nestled in my left ear like the ocean in a sea shell. I panicked. Every ounce of my body scouted for its location. It came in again calling me towards the front of the store. I lightly jogged to the front of the Panera, excusing myself to suited men lounging about. I made a left turn to discover if it was my daughter or not? What I saw left me puzzled. A small white child was in a parked car with her mother. She was fussy like most little girls can be, like my daughter was as an infant. My "fussy fuss" I'd call her. Her cries must have managed to find their way pass the 1/2 down windows. I don't know how the cry managed to reach me on the inside. I could have sworn that it was my daughter's. I had experienced a few moments like this in Panera, where I simply reacted in a head jerk like an alert guard dog. But this was different. It felt so real. It felt like I was going to get to hold my daughter. It felt like she was in trouble and I was going coming to the rescue. Except, it wasn't any of that. It was more like a mirage in my mind. A tormented decision that played an evil trick on me. I remembered sitting in my car and driving back to the office that day. Before I resumed my work, and before I listened to any music, I bowed my head and prayed.

*If you are near your children, hold them and tell them you love them. If you have difficulty seeing your children for whatever circumstance, fight to see them. Fight to be there dad. They are worth it. You are worth it. Don't let anyone interfere with loving your children. I know deep down inside it will hurt to combat with someone that you created a life with, but all and all it has to be done. Tell your children how important they are. Take them out with you. Be proud of them. Children are some of the greatest joys of life that can ever happen to us. Make sure they know that. (And read them a bed time story)

A photo of a King Lear Monument taken by Undrtheskysoblue

King Lear was a King who went mad

J Series: The End

The Ending I'd Rather Not Write

This the part of the story where our past gets the best of us. This is the part where the thought of whatever we had joins the forgotten abyss. I can hear life playing a piano riff in the background as we grow farther and farther apart. Years pass by before we run into each other again and I'll vaguely remember you. Your eyes will remind me of something that I once felt but I won't remember why. The emotion I will feel will be feint, yet terrifying to me. The both of us would have moved on to the lives that we always desired. You'll ascend into your beliefs whereas I will change the world as we know it. We are what we are for a reason. And think that you can agree that we become what we become for a reason. In this ending our fears of each other truly get the best of us. The happily ever after that is told to us in our youth becomes just a fairy tale. And I say that not necessarily because we will never be happier with other people, but I cannot say with confidence that we will be at our happiest. In this ending, in this ultimate conclusion, the "what we could have been", is a question forever embedded in eternity. Unfortunately, we'll never know. The thoughts, energies, and intellect that we could have acquired from each other becomes lost endeavors and story lines that I'll create in the near future. I don't know if we are meant to be together. But I do know that we will run into each other again. So far I have always been right. For our sake, I hope this ending is wrong. 

The Ending I'd Rather Write

I believe that Love is Love and I believe that destiny is destiny. I do not believe that things do not happen for a reason. We felt what we felt for a reason greater than us. I don't know if we are meant to be together. Initially, I did feel that way but other people have entered my life. They made me feel.....appreciated. They made me feel like I can trust them, which is a lot coming from me. They haven't made me feel like you did, but I did feel something. This is the ending where I have some sort of relationship with you. In this ending I see you clearly. We are smiling and laughing about something. I can imagine you giving me that intriguing stare of yours and something inside me smiles. And I can't lie, in this ending you matter to me. Your concerns and issues are mine. Your happiness is one of my top priorities. In this version of the story we do share a deep connection, that is unlike anything I have ever experienced. I am your protector at my core. I see us emitting an energy into the world that is unseen. People smile just from being near us. People are motivated to do more just by talking to us. Whatever we become together in this ending, it is something beyond the normal plane of existence. Life itself just seems happier. Well let me be more accurate, in both endings life seems happy but in this outcome life seems to be at its' happiest. Almost as if it reaches its fullest potential. Not to let my dreamy imagination take over, but I see us all over the world. In each place we touch we touch the lives of others, while taking in everything that is them. What if you could understand life itself? In my vision of this ending we ascend far pass what we could ever imagine. This ending feels more accurate than the prior. It feels more true. If there is anything you know or knew about me it was that I never deny myself what I feel. I channel my emotions. In this image of us smiling together, something feels right. To be honest I'm happier just thinking about it. 

This letter J provided by: JulienKraakman

J Series: Conclusion

It wasn't hard to write the J Series at all. Every post came from a sincere place and emotion. For instance, many people loved my April Hughes story, yet I spent more time finding the correct image to match the story than actually writing it. There was nothing for me to make up. I literally just wrote down my experience. Rome played on my imaginative elements of myself and J, and how amazing I thought we would be together.  The Black Dress post actually started out as a dream. I wrote the dream down, and promised to come back to it for minor touch ups, but I spent so much time writing 10,000 I Love You's that I forgot the dream. But I remembered the emotion of what I felt for this woman. In that emotion I was able to create Black Dress. I imagined J in a black dress and painted the story from there. Invincible was the only piece that I had an actual hard time writing because of the topic being discussed. I poured my heart out into this until there was nothing left.

 What surprised me the most from this collection of work was the reaction that I got. The positive feedback has been overwhelming. People told me that they loved my work. I was advised to make some pieces into plays. I was told that people wanted to buy hard copies. Most importantly, I was told again and again and again, that it inspired people to write. J was such a significant woman to me because she responded to a much older piece of mine in a poetic form. She told me that I inspired her to write and not only did she do a great job, but what she wrote made me want to write to her and only her forever. The surge of words that I normally felt in my head ran 10 times faster than usual and everything that I touched or saw became ordained in positive feelings. That doesn't just happen. In a sense the J Series was my attempt to have that back into my life. And if for whatever grand scheme she is not meant to be back in my life then at least I can say that other people were affected. People who didn't enjoy reading, would tell me how they loved reading my pieces. Women who had been abused told me how much April Hughes meant to them. The artists in manifesto were able to connect to myself and readers going through similar emotions. Many women reacted to Him Understanding Her, in such a strong sense that I was asked to speak with boyfriends lol. I would have to say that my most heart felt accomplishment was from the Ventriloquist Series in the Poem dedicated to R. I won't even tell you what was said I'll let you read it for yourself at the bottom. The energy placed into this series was flipped 10 fold and I love it. This Series opened opportunities for me and most of all other people. That is what makes it so special. That is how you know this work was genuine. I'm happy to say that I followed through with it.

If J does ever come back into my life maybe I'll resurrect the J Series as a mini series alongside the King Series. But so much has been happening that I can truly see that God has a plan for me. I've been meeting people that write for this company and screen right here and there, while getting requests to write here and there. I was told to never stop writing, so I haven't stopped. And God keeps giving me different and newer venues to write in. Literally, if it's not one thing it's another. I'm writing several times, everyday. I feel like my life is changing. I already know that by the end of this year my life will be in a different place. All I am doing is following what God is telling me and experiencing his glory. Sorry to get too preachy, this all just feels so amazing. It's like one moment I'm looking down at a key board and typing and then the next, I'm looking up at all these people applauding. People have taken time out of their busy days to send me page long messages of how talented of a writer I am. That is surreal to me. In closing, I want to thank everyone for reading, enjoying, and connecting to the J Series. I'll never stop writing. The King Series is up next. 

This is an email that I got from @soul_cypher pertaining to the Ventriloquist posts that we teamed up on.  This make everything worth it. 

J Series: Ventriloquist R

Distance only distills our filtered emotions

You are my core

The order to my corruption

And the focus upon my disruptions

Finish my thoughts like you usually do

Symphonize my soul like you musically do

I refuse to be without my muse

I cannot accept that we aren't worth accepting

It's just so hard to love while forgetting

My past has crippled me enough to wheel my self to your doorstep

I want to rush the first step but my feet haven't hit the floor yet

But in my mind where walking into a jazz club

A fur scarf rests across your shoulders

Where're in the 70's where love and music have taken over

A time before rap existed

Where I could wrap you around my arm

And not be embarrassed by male critics

But that was a dream

Now I only hope to be a man by any means

But your love necessary

What we are is legendary

This is life on a ledge served with dairy

Cause you are the best thing I've ever had

Yet the only thing I've never known

We find each other alone

Afraid that someone like you even exists

Too many times I've searched for soil and found bricks

And I survived by building up a wall

That you've somehow

Climbed over

I find cover

Cause to be honest I'm afraid that we found each other

I'm scared of not being the being that you need to be with

Afraid that these bricks can't be your defense

And I'm afraid that the man I've been isn't the man that you should sleep with

So opposed to letting you share yourself

Ill tell you take care of yourself

Ill help you to prepare yourself

For the idea

That even thought we're perfect it isnt worth it

You deserve so much but I can afford so little

And a woman of your grace should never meet in the middle

My Dilemma

I want you

But don't know what to tell you

Cause I'm afraid to tell you

That our heads have tailed you

And until I can flip it back

I've failed you

This letter J is provided by: ipetk

J Series: Ventriloquist J

What's understood ain't gotta be explained

But since there's a disconnect

Allow me to lay it plain

There's a difference in the way you

Say my name

And the way you touch me

When we are reaching different plains

Something genuine deep seated in my attraction

Which makes me question why you had such a reaction

To my challenge of blunt and raw

Affection and sexual temptation

You came across like you needed no explanation

Free reign for me to go about my business

Until you flipped the script

Like a film director with no direction

What is this?

I spoke my mind

Because you peaked my curiosity

But I gave you the wrong impression

Obviously.....

So before I strike the match

Against this tinder box and all

Let me light the flame again so

You can recall

I purposely stayed far from the subject of sexuality

Because I was so focused on your regality

Yet the reality because somewhat

Of a fallacy

Because you misinterpreted

My Interested dose of honesty

You admired me for my rawness usually.

but you spoke my words back and then started accusing me

what's confusing me is the duality of my feelings

Because I'm kneeling and revealing

Yet you want no parts of yielding your true feelings

Face to face from place to place

We've come and gone

And I'm

Pissed because your voice still

Rings like lyrics from My favorite song

You said two type of men you usually come across

Neither type am I

So my approval is not what I'm

Seeking

I'd much rather

Take delight in the thought

That you are feeling me

Honestly truthfully madly and deeply

Tell me on a rainy day "you're the one for me"

Apologies explanations and confusion aside

I wanna get a text from you that

"fuck the bullshit, I'm

Down to ride"

You can be my Bonnie

I'll be Clyde

Let's rob the world blind every night

Then press rewind.

This letter J is provided by: meshramjatin

J Series: Manifesto

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uV2kWGSFYXM
Daley Ft. Marsha Ambrosia- Alone Together

Daley is a new artist that has impressed me. Honestly, I listened to this song 7 times back to back the first time I heard it. Alone together speaks about someone who feels for someone, and doesn't want to not be with them. He rather be with her than have to face they world alone. And the two can be alone together. This is beautifully put. Artistry within lyrics. Not to mention the vocal performance will grab your attention. This is one of my new favorite songs. I recommend after watching this that you youtube his "Pretty wings" cover. The boy got talent.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6LwcARvKdnU
Luke James - I want you (Live)

Another new artist of mine with raw talent. He is committed to his music. A passionate artist goes far with me. In this song, more importantly, in this live performance, he is really singing his heart out. Even if you do not like the song you'll probably continue watching. This song is EXACTLY how I feel. No bull shit. I know who I want to be with and don't even see other women. I'm aware that they are there but my mind is so preoccupied elsewhere that getting a number/ getting to know them is of no interest to me.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TwH7vfgfJTA
Avant- Human

If I get too in-depth with this song it will give away a lot of what I'm going through. Avant always has that perfect hit that speaks to you. Human speaks about forgiveness. Forgiving someone and being forgiven. We all make mistakes in life. Understanding that helps us to forgive others. Personally, I have forgiven many people throughout my life behind this pretense. I hope forgiveness can be applied to me within the same light. After all I'm only human.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yhhDOPPfAyM
Al Green- Simply Beautiful

Love is love. Love is a beautiful thing. This song speaks on the small points of sharing love with someone that are beautiful. I don't believe that there is anything wrong with love or expressing it. Affection is a natural occurrence that should never be suppressed. Don't get me wrong completely slobbering someone down in public is not sexy at all (sorry Penn Station, I was young don't judge me), but you should make the woman that you are with feel like she's yours. Kiss her. Hold her. Smack her ass a little lol. Ok don't let me get you in trouble.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oqqYByfZjGc
Miguel- Adorn Live

I am an enthusiast for live demonstrations of talent. This song by itself is amazing, and actually one of Miguel's more mature songs on the album. Sometimes women can make loving them difficult. Opposed to just allowing something to happen they fight it. I think many people can relate to this.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dLNTLEqwd9Y
Miguel- Pussy is Mine

I love this song because it speaks to the inner taboos of men. It really addresses a deep insecurity that lies in us. No guy wants to be the second best concerning a woman's sex life. Don't get me wrong there are those men that don't really care and are happy to just get some anyway. But when you have feelings for someone, being second is not an option. This song also hints at a deeper taboo within men that isn't commonly spoken about. That taboo is the realization that you don't want another man to be with the woman that you have feelings for. The idea of another man spending time with her is unsettling. The notion of another man being with her intimately can drive a man insane. This song touches on that inversely. Don't fault men too much on this lol. I'm certain that women might feel this way as well. This performance is interesting to say the least.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pn17MYQz9Qg
Al Green - Here I am (Live on Soul Train)

This is one of my favorite all time performances. First off, this is classic non-lip synced Soul Train. This was the equivalent of MTV unplugged for the generation before mine. People sung and celebrated with no restriction. And for that first time that celebration could be shared with someone who was just watching the performance from home. My generation has to wait for an award show to see something this good. Back to the song. This song is an explosion of love. All the man wants is for this woman to be with him. He already loves her. He already wants her. He already wants to be her everything. She just has to take him.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=m61wV3o_sqM
Musiq- Who Knows

You don't know where life or love can take you. You just have to let yourself go and lose yourself in each other. Or maybe even find yourself. I believe that everyone comes into our life for a reason. And we can take so much from everyone. If we can connect to anyone then that in itself is important. In my opinion it should be appreciated. I meet many women that I am only physically attracted to. If my mind can be sparked then I take the person that sparked it serious.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CDBA07qXxbA
Bj  the Chicago Kid - Good Luv'n (I love good remakes)

I'm a sucker for a good remake and a new artist. Making love is another expression of love. "Giving yourself to me, can never be wrong if the love is true". This lyric falls into my belief of not having casual sex. Most people disagree with me. I am well aware of that. But I just rather be involved with someone that I feel something with. I have done the whole casual thing and it just wasn't for me. After giving this song a listen comment with the original artist name. I can't remember it off the top of my head.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AKXEbSpmpDw
Justin Timberlake- End of Time

This is definitely a classic. The HBO live concert Performance is better. Unfortunately, it was taken down from youtube. What more can I say this is my favorite Justin Timberlake song to date. Its self explanatory and is probably thee most soothing out of all the songs. This is one of those songs that you put on repeat for like four or five plays.   Love is all you need in this life.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Rh_tAMeDhdY
Teddy Pendergrass- Lady (He kills this. You have to love live performances)

In my opinion this is the ultimate declaration of what a woman means to a man. Women complete us. And to an extent we naturally serve them and they serve us. I don't care what anyone says, the feeling that you get as a man from providing for or protecting a woman that you love is fulfilling. It makes it all worth it. A woman appreciating that action drives us to do it again, except better. A man could have everything in the world but he would still crave a woman.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Gu2JBMNBbKo
Luther Vandross - A House is Not a Home (Live)

Honestly, this is one of the best Vocal performances anyone could ever see. There is no way you won't have goosebumps while watching this. When you feel strongly for someone, you naturally want those feelings to be mutual. The sheer thought of those feelings not being mutual is surreal. It's too damaging to even comprehend at the moment. In relationships, or whatever, there are fights and disagreements. Will you still love me after all of it? That's a fair question.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nzTPlrbi5f0
Teddy Pendergras- When Somebody Loves You Back

There is no way you can't feel some kind of happiness hearing this song. I respect when a song has simple yet affective lyrics. "It feels so good, loving somebody. And somebody loves you back". That's true lol. It's an incredible feeling. This performance is a perfect testament to that. He sells that emotion. And please don't make any molly jokes in reference to how sweaty he is. Be considerate. He's a tall guy on a stage with a billion lights beaming on him. Anyone would sweat in those conditions.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gKT1B1EfSrA
Luke James- Hurt Me

I put this up here because we have all been there. When I heard this song, I was reminded of a place that I never want to be again. I thank God for the refresh. Sometimes the pain can be so intense for so long that we grow used to it. It becomes a destructive cycle that some of us never leave. If you find yourself in a situation where the person that you are with brings out the worst in you, then you're probably there.  Love can entangle us so deep into someone that sometimes when we unravel we don't even know who we are anymore. We don't even know what we like to do. It's insane. Personally, I was in a relationship like this for three years, but that's a different story.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CslaDEc2PS8
Al Green - Jesus Is Waiting (Live on Soul Train)

This song truly shows a different era of R&B music. This is actually a gospel song, but back in that era Gospel and R&B were still blended more so in music. How many artists in today's day and age can have a gospel song on their album and be able to perform on it this plateau. It wouldn't happen. A televised gospel song by a hit R&B artist? NNNNAAAAHHH (in my chief keef voice). In all seriousness this performance moved me when I first heard it. No tears or nothing but it described exactly how I felt. At the core of us is our strength. When we are weak we need something to restore us. Personally, God restores me.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=x3RlkpI-2nk
BJ the Chicago Kid Ft. Kendrick Lamar - His Pain

This post ends foremost with God and the appreciation of what we have everyday. We are blessed far beyond what we deserve. This song is perfect for that. There were points in my life where I had wondered why certain friends of mind were dead and men like my oldest brother were alive. Then at 25 I realized that my brother was still here and I needed to be grateful for that. I forgave him for all that he did. I walked into the rehab clinic that he was staying in at the time to see him. And my brother broke down into tears. I might have been his blessing that day. From that point he slowly started to improve. He had stopped drinking for a while. He genuinely tried harder at succeeding in life. His biggest improvement of all was with his kids. He actually tried to be more a father towards them. This may sound like nothing to you but this is a HUGE step for him. In a way, I got my brother back. I got the relationship that I always wanted with him.

They say that God works in mysterious ways but to those who know him, its really not so mysterious. It's through love. He'll make a way for you when there is no way. I am a testament to that. In this song Kendrick Lamar repeats "I don't know why he keeps blessing me". It's because he loves us enough to never stop. And in turn we should love each other. I don't know about you but I've been through enough pain. I'd rather move forward in a more positive direction.

This letter J is provided by: roz-indelebile

J Series: Him Understanding Her

A Man's Friends:

She doesn't mind me hanging out with my friends but she wants to know that I 'm thinking about her. She'll look forward to a text from me because she's thinking about me. It's not like she wants me to obsess over her but she just needs to know that she's loved. She needs to be comfortable. Her ex's may have placed her in many situations where she was uncomfortable. Thus lowering her tolerance. Her defenses may no longer allow her to be so unsure/insecure for that same duration of time. Because too long means I'm probably/possibly doing something wrong. Regardless of weather I am or not. In her mind it's not what I'm doing it's what I'm not doing. I'm not telling her that she's on my mind. It may not be my fault that she is like this, but If I love her, than it is my responsibility to help correct this. I'm not saying that as  man you should tolerate any ones bull shit, but in order to fix a problem, you must understand it.

She says that she doesn't mind me having female friends but she secretly does because she knows that too many women secretly make plans to take other women's men. For whatever reason unavailable men become far too appealing to available women. Or even if they don't aim to "have me" so to say, the topic of discussion in my woman's mind is still "what is so special about my man, that she NEEDS to talk to him? Or WANTS to hang out with him"? To a woman's emotions that can be perceived as a threat or inappropriate. And since it's inappropriate, she then leaves it up to me to check the situation because I am the man. If I do not check it then I am disregarding her feelings or emotions, thus not making her feel like she is the head female in my life. You have to analyze a woman's emotions to really understand how and why she feels negatively towards certain events.

A Man's Initiative:

She hints to ideas because she wants me to want to do these things with her on my own. If she tells me what to do, then in her mind I wasn't interested in doing them with her. Even if I actually am. My initiative shows her exactly how invested in her I am. My advice to men is too pay attention to a woman's details so you can be more spontaneous/creative with what you initiate. Do you want to take your girl to the movies? Or to the spa because you notice she's been stressed lately? Just read her. My advice to women is to assert yourselves a bit more. You will get exactly what you want or exactly what you need. Or listen to a man's words and read him as you expect him to read you. I believe that everyone's actions translates the truth. More importantly, "why" they perform the action. My ex used to think that because I didn't propose to her that I didn't want to make the long term commitment. Yet she wasn't there with me as I stole sales or outsmarted people at a commissions paying job to help save up for a ring. I would come home to complaints of why I was so tired. She never truly asked "why" I was so tired.

In Her Head vs Your Head:

Women have a way of wanting a certain thing a certain way. Think about it. Propose to a woman standing up. Don't kneel. I repeat do not kneel. It would displease her. Because the key act in proposing is the submission of your pride to her. It would ruin the image in her mind of a proposal. There are so many women who have mothers that are unmarried. In essence a man's proposal to her has to be sufficient enough to fulfill two dreams. Her's and her mothers. It's important to analyze your actions in their entirety. I also, know a lot of couples in another scenario so let me briefly touch on this before the transition. A man can tell a woman until she's blue in the face "you are the only one", but until the two have the official discussion about exclusivity (which he has to initiate), then what he said is flattering but not official. Official gives her comfort. Flattery gets her mind off the issue for a moment. My advice to men is to understand how SHE views something. If a romantic evening involves rose petals on a bed, then carnations won't do. Detail with a woman is important.

Us Against the World:

She wants us to be private. This too comes with a catch. She wants everyone to know that I am her's and she's mine. She just doesn't want them to know exactly what is happening between us. To an extent we both want that. We only need everyone else for a few key things. Men want bragging rights to their friends and all men. And in a sense women want the jealousy of other women. Well lets not say that they "want" the jealousy. Maybe that is too strong a word. Lets say that they enjoy it. It is close but not the same. Trust and believe though, that if an issue arises all of the woman's friends will know the business and what happened lol. More importantly, they will all have input on the situation.

The enjoyment of our privacy plays on society to an extent. It plays on the friendship that we have and how tight we are. It makes the inside jokes that much more enjoyable, because in a world full of billions of people we have each other.

Challenge for a Reason:

She wants to challenge me. It's a test. She doesn't want me to let her walk all over me because if she can then so can another man/person that threatens her. She needs to feel protected. And if she's unsure of my capabilities then I am certain to be tested.

Friend:

She needs to know that she can be herself with me so she'll open up. She'll talk to me about nothing like I'm one of her friends, because to her once I become her man I become her friend, her protector, and in a sense her lead on things. Someone that she can be comfortable with in all elements of who she is. It's a roll with many rolls in it, that sometimes we as men aren't ready to fulfill. She needs to be able to cry on my shoulder, yet she sometimes needs me to help her come to her senses.

ADT:

Security is a large sense of comfort for anyone. Think about how people have made a business out of this. We hire security, install security systems, encrypt websites, create passwords. Security gives us our privacy while protecting us. To a woman her man is this security to an extent. She needs to feel like he can protect and defend her. It's not like we need to win every fight, but we do need to check anyone that disrespects her emotions or stance on things. Sometimes a man may even need to protect a woman from doubt. As long as she knows that she has you by her side to protect her then you're role in her life is sacred. This is a deeper sense of trust that works both ways. There's nothing like having your woman defend you at your weakest. Ladies it's not like your man expects you to fight his battles, but the idea of you wanting us to be safe is refreshing. Where else do men get that in life? What other element of life says to a man, "I want you to be ok"? It never happens. I'll conclude this segment by saying this, the world we live in can be cruel. It can be frequently overwhelming. When it comes to other people, what matters largely is who is there. Who cared enough to help you. Who cared enough to defend you. And who was there when you were at your weakest. We all need that person and should cherish them. My advice to women, don't put your man in a situation that he will lose. And if for whatever reason he does lose, repair his ego. Attacking it, only makes him distant with you. My advice to my fellow man, is to be the man that she needs. If you are already that man, than be better.

The Man She Needs:

Women need to feel like they have a responsible man because they entrust them. A woman gives you her body thus you are responsible for what goes in it and what comes out of it. LIKE A BABY. Have her child, then she's going to immediately look at you like....."well what are you going to do", because in her mind you are the one responsible. Think about it, the father could be a young father, essentially not a man yet, and he could be doing things with his friends that the mother calls into question. I guarantee you, one thing that will come out of her mouth is..."Oh you can do (whatever) but you can't do (whatever) for your child". It's an attack towards a man and his responsibility that she entrusts him with.

Her Indirect Directness

And since women communicate indirectly with many things including her emotions, sometimes she just wants sex. She says it in her own way. So she might rub her butt on you in the middle of the night. She might argue with you when she see's you. It's a challenge. Women love a man who can be a man. In that particular instance she wants a man to please her. So instead of allowing us as men to be all calm, she'll excite us a bit. It's cute when you think about it objectively. Women communicate indirectly. Thus there is an emotion underlying within the context of what she is saying/doing. She may pull away because she wants me to come close. She may attempt to make me jealous because she wants to feel wanted. Or she may assert her accomplishments, because she needs to feel respected. What I understand about women is that they need comfort. And, yet if you ever encounter a woman whose still on edge from whatever (bad dates, frustration with men etc...), even too much comfort is uncomfortable. Men typically become the targets of these emotions. Just think about all the single women out there, that bash men, yet are waiting for the right one. That's like me saying all women are bitches and then wondering why, I can't find a woman. Women are the up and down. The I love you and I hate you. Men avoid love in today's day and age. But women don't necessarily avoid it, they resist it. Yet too often throw their bodies out to get it. Women who are more mature either know better or grow intolerant of the cycle. The cycle only stops though when they learn to stop it. Keep in mind though, some women are just scorned. These women usually need the most love, yet resist it more than ever. (Sorry for jumping topics)

When She's Hurt:

Women express their hurt in many ways that are unclear to men. The most obvious indicator is silence or distance. A woman's silence is like a waiting symbol. She's waiting for you to bring up a conversation. Waiting for you to apologize. Waiting for you to address the issue. Or she's flat out making you suffer a little. I don't exactly agree with it. But I understand it. Or a woman could be hurt about something but not want create tension so she won't speak about it. Actually lets not say hurt. Lets say that something will cause suspicion within her. And it can be/probably will be the smallest thing, that we men, don't even notice. Like coming in the house, smelling like another woman's perfume. Or having a strand of hair on you that isn't the same color as your girls. These all raise up questions of, "what is that" and "why is it there". From there a woman will question it and give you something I like to call the bull shit test lol. She will wait for whatever answer you have to give. It can be the truth, but if she thinks it's bull shit, then it's bull shit. Whether you like it or not, you should be ready for this issue to come back up in an argument. For instance, the argument can be about you not calling her two nights in a row. Somewhere within that argument you will hear, "and why did you come in the house smelling like that perfume a few days ago"!

My advice to men: We all can get a little lost in our emotions. Don't tolerate disrespect, but allow a woman to have her moment.

A woman that you have hurt or a woman that feels like you hurt her will do things to hurt you back. It's petty and childish in a sense but it's a reaction lol. She'll do little things. She'll attack your ego. Or if you think about it on a larger scale some women will use your children against you. What can I say? Hurt people hurt people.

Deeper Appreciation:

Pay attention to a woman's details. The closer you pay attention to her the more you can see all of the little things that she'll do to please you. We men have a way of only noticing a sexual alteration. This may be one of many changes that a woman has made to please you. You may not like the color green and a woman might remove the green outfits from her wardrobe. You could not like the way a woman says something and she'll change up her tone/accent a little bit to accommodate you. She'll get her hair done and look forward to you noticing. Everyone needs to feel appreciated. With women a man just needs to take notice and appreciate her effort. I went to visit a woman late in the day, a few months ago, and I noticed how she did her hair and cleaned up her apartment. She even went as far as putting my favorite scented candle in the room. I didn't even know she knew that. In all reality it probably took her hours to do all that she did. And I appreciated that. Hours of preparation just for me..... I'm not some celebrity or the POTUS. I'm just me.

Conclusion:

What I understand about women is that many elements of them are based out of comfort and love. All relationships need trust in order to function but comfort is needed for the maintenance of that trust. Consistency maintains comfort. It's not rocket science it's love. It's appreciation. I don't believe it takes much to please a woman (the correct woman), but it does take effort. Side bar: What I also understand is that too many women do not understand men. Ladies I'll help you out.....it all starts and ends with respect.

*There is a deeper point to this post. I'm actually writing this to reflect that when it comes to the woman that I want, none of this truly matters to me. I'm eager to learn her. I have an understanding of how women act, but I want to know her specifics. I'd rather know what makes her feel appreciated or what makes her feel happy than have a general overview of women. Hopefully, I'll be able to write this later on, in the specified manner that I desire.

*This work was also not written to claim that women need men for anything. This is merely something written to expose expectations and comforts that we expect from one another.

*Also, I purposely did not go too in depth on a few topics, like sex, or physical elements. Sex is everywhere to me. It's on overkill at the moment. Maybe one day it will continue this post and bring it up, but not now.

This letter J provided by: waven15

J Series: Strength

Rules of my Strength:

1. If you are strong enough to help than you should
2. Don't just pray for me. Do something to help me
3. Who I am is manifested in what I believe. I believe in myself and something far greater.
4. Strength is the award of pain.
5. You are strong for yourself and your preservation, but mostly you are strong for those that are weaker.
6. As men we are taught to reject our feelings. I feel stronger the more I embrace them.
7. Passion and strength go hand in hand. It is almost the make up of integrity
8. You will never know true strength until you have forgiven someone that had wronged you.
9. Your body is your temple. Work on it. Shape it. Be proud of it.
10. The more effort you put into you, the more confidence you will build
11. Never place your confidence within the hands of someone else. That is too much responsibility.
12. In my opinion, he greatest person you can become is your closest reflection of God.
13. You see yourself in your head everyday. Become that person
14. To find your strength never compromise on who you are and what you believe.
15. The person you choose to be with, or the people you choose to be around, should make you stronger. Never weaker.
16. Be strong enough to know when you need to submit. Arrogance or over assertiveness will make you more enemies than friends.
17. People should respect your power, not fear your power.
18. Every emotion can tie back to strength. It all depends on how you use it.
19. If you ever lose your strength you can find it at the root of who you are. Your purpose. And your love. Never your hate. Hate is merely aggressive energy. Not necessarily strength. Hatred is more like possession.
20. Last for now: This is based on a belief in God. It is told that God is in each and every one of us. With that being said, that means that some part of you, no matter how small, is all powerful and invincible. Find that part.

This letter J is provide by: pixel-terrorist

J Series: She Grabbed The Butter Knife

She grabbed the butter knife
With no idea of the man I was
Or whence I came
She grabbed the butter knife

Two strangers with so much in common
Coming from opposite ends of society
Yet somehow drawn together at the middle
I joke
She smirks
"Oh really mr. Tough guy"
"You wanna keep joking"
Her hand reaches to her right
And grabs
A butter knife....

Oh how different we were
If only she had been there when guns were held to my face and stomach
If only she had been there when knives were raised to my throat with intent to harm me
If only she had been there when a lighter version of the cocaine used to keep soldiers fighting in Vietnam kept my 14 year older brother throwing punches at me
If only she had been there when I was held up
The butter knife in her hand weighed less than the brick and chain that I kept under my full size bed as a child
I had knives at ten that posed more of a threat
I had seen guns at 13 that were men's toys
If only she had been there

I knew little of her upbringing
But within context clues I was able to pull together plots
Her defensiveness toward light insults exposes perhaps a sheltered upbringing or interactions within an uppity society that I have often wondered about
Or perhaps she was so protected that her she didn't tolerate playfulness
A previous text of hers referring to stabbing someone as "shank" gave me the inference that the day to day life I had experienced as an adolescent was only seen to her in movies and TV shows
Or so I hypothesized
She was a pretty woman
Earlier discussion revealed that she was the pretty girl
Pretty girls get spoiled and catered to in America
And though she analyzed people for a living her understanding of who I am was, might've only been referenced to in TV shows and text books

My background to her was deciphered by media coverage
As she jokingly grabbed that butter knife I knew that she had no idea what she was doing
And more importantly who she was doing it to
But for the woman who knew much for once she knew very little
And didn't even realize it
Knife in hand, she looked at me
Her eyes rolled slightly and challenged me through her version of feistiness
The uppity version
And before her eyes connected to mine, enchanting as they were
I was already calm

Her eyes tried to reach at the back of my pupils but were unable to phase it's depth
The reflection of her emerald iris brought a smile to my face
I had liked this woman
I had embraced her strength, and courage
She was cute
She was beautiful
As she continued her attempt at intimidation I raised her awareness as to who I am
"You're going to need a lot more than a butter knife"
She smirked at her own ridiculousness
And we laughed

This letter J is provided by: sheryza